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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1063
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 3:07 pm Reply with quote Back to top

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
 
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jerrys dad
WGA Member



Joined: 2007-01-07
Posts: 1386
Location: Mukwonago

PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 3:27 pm Reply with quote Back to top

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment...

Image
After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:




Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington

_________________
\"Pain heals, Chicks dig scars, Glory lasts forever\"-Shane Falco

\"Lets Rock\" - Al Bundy 
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gotta run
WGA Member



Joined: 2007-11-26
Posts: 3306

PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 3:53 pm Reply with quote Back to top

A former boss of mine (this was before I retired) told me a story about bringing his kids to the office on a Saturday for some reason. The kids were examining the walls of the cubicle with keen interest. He asked them what they were doing and they said, "We're looking for the spots where the money comes out."
 
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SammyClaws
WGA Member



Joined: 2007-04-27
Posts: 331
Location: Muskego

PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 5:26 pm Reply with quote Back to top

Yesterday I was at the local Walmart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog Charlie. A woman behind me in the checkout line asked the typical redundant question of "do you have a dog?"

What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet. The way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Walmart won't let me shop there anymore
 
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marc_54140
WGA Member



Joined: 2004-01-28
Posts: 2631
Location: Little Chute

PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:22 am Reply with quote Back to top

Oh, that is hilarious!

Do you write lines for Jay Leno, and the like?
 
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jerrys dad
WGA Member



Joined: 2007-01-07
Posts: 1386
Location: Mukwonago

PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 1:45 pm Reply with quote Back to top

Three friends married women from different parts of the Midwest.

The first man married a woman from Minnesota.. He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day,
he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Iowa. He gave his wife orders that she
was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't
see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he
saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on
the table.

The third man married a girl from Wisconsin. He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table
for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed
enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still
has some difficulty when he pees.

_________________
\"Pain heals, Chicks dig scars, Glory lasts forever\"-Shane Falco

\"Lets Rock\" - Al Bundy 
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jerrys dad
WGA Member



Joined: 2007-01-07
Posts: 1386
Location: Mukwonago

PostPosted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 11:16 pm Reply with quote Back to top

THE POTTY

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK; BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE..

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"



BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

_________________
\"Pain heals, Chicks dig scars, Glory lasts forever\"-Shane Falco

\"Lets Rock\" - Al Bundy 
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furfool
WGA Member



Joined: 2007-02-15
Posts: 2665
Location: Granville

PostPosted: Sun Mar 14, 2010 10:03 am Reply with quote Back to top

Times were tough when I was a young boy. Jobs were hard to come by. Mom would make a few dollars taking care of an elderly woman down the street, and dad put in log hours where he worked. It seemed that every penny earned went straight to the bill collectors, still mom and dad were able to scrape enough together to get me a new pair of boots every winter. Come Christmas time, we were so poor again, that mom would cut holes in the pockets of my pants so that I would have something to play with Christmas morning.

_________________
I\'ve only made one mistake in my life, I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. 
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jerrys dad
WGA Member



Joined: 2007-01-07
Posts: 1386
Location: Mukwonago

PostPosted: Sun Mar 14, 2010 9:31 pm Reply with quote Back to top

A guy asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says,
"Well, yes I am! But let me ask you something.... If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if
I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't."

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

_________________
\"Pain heals, Chicks dig scars, Glory lasts forever\"-Shane Falco

\"Lets Rock\" - Al Bundy 
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BakRdz
WGA Member



Joined: 2009-08-20
Posts: 967
Location: OshVegas

PostPosted: Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:16 am Reply with quote Back to top

jerrys dad wrote:
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."


Good thing he didn't use the butter knife method!
 
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SammyClaws
WGA Member



Joined: 2007-04-27
Posts: 331
Location: Muskego

PostPosted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:45 am Reply with quote Back to top

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
 
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jerrys dad
WGA Member



Joined: 2007-01-07
Posts: 1386
Location: Mukwonago

PostPosted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 1:37 pm Reply with quote Back to top

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

_________________
\"Pain heals, Chicks dig scars, Glory lasts forever\"-Shane Falco

\"Lets Rock\" - Al Bundy 
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lone_gunman
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-04-12
Posts: 1928
Location: The Grassy Knoll, WI

PostPosted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 6:07 am Reply with quote Back to top

Blonde Borg have the same fun

_________________
There is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later.

What\'s life? Life\'s easy. A quirk of matter. Nature\'s way of keeping meat fresh 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1063
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 7:19 am Reply with quote Back to top

Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work,
But I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY'And give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office And asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
The Boss asked her ..And where do you think you're going?'

She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in
the dark! Very Happy
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1063
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 11:37 am Reply with quote Back to top

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
Very Happy
 
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