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RSplash40
WGA Member



Joined: 2006-12-23
Posts: 6264

PostPosted: Thu Jul 11, 2013 12:22 pm Reply with quote Back to top

Co worker called:

"Hey, I'm on my new iphone, I sound pretty good don't I?"

me - You can only sound so good, not even an Apple product can help you.

Later on in the conversation:

" I got a case with a holder for on your belt"

me - I have one, don't use it, I have enough around my waist right now

"Yeah, I was hoping it would make my butt look smaller"

me - then you might want to go back and get the case for your ipad!

_________________
Accosting pine tree\'s and rendering caches harmless since 2005.... 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 6:23 pm Reply with quote Back to top

Announcement over the supermarket's PA system: "Somebody's husband is down in aisle 5." Here's the rest of the story:

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him lying face down and unconscious in on Aisle 5.
Laughing Laughing Laughing
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 10:24 am Reply with quote Back to top

Happy Birthday to all the August birthdays:
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
the statue! Shocked
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat
them. Rolling Eyes
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it. Cool
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
Maker. Smile
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Laughing
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it. Very Happy
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others. Crying or Very sad
8 * Never buy a car you can't push. Shocked
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you
won't have a leg to stand on. Confused
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Very Happy
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. Smile
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese. Shocked
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Shocked
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. Cool
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. Razz
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty
and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but
they all have to live in the same box. Confused
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Cool
 
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amita17
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-11-02
Posts: 697
Location: Menasha, WI

PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 1:48 pm Reply with quote Back to top

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

_________________
\"Seeking teaches us things finding never can. Seeking makes the finding all the sweeter.\" Philip Gulley 
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amita17
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-11-02
Posts: 697
Location: Menasha, WI

PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 1:48 pm Reply with quote Back to top

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

_________________
\"Seeking teaches us things finding never can. Seeking makes the finding all the sweeter.\" Philip Gulley 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 6:00 pm Reply with quote Back to top

Little Johnny and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. Laughing
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 3:26 pm Reply with quote Back to top

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. B,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:


1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Thu Dec 19, 2013 1:36 pm Reply with quote Back to top

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired Rolling Eyes
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 12:27 pm Reply with quote Back to top

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends. Well, this past weekend I had a few cocktails followed by a handful of glasses of vintage red wine. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before...I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the freeway but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it Cool
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 8:34 am Reply with quote Back to top

A Wisconsin Poem

Itís winter in Wisconsin
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Wisconsin
When the snowís up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess Iíll hang around.
I could never leave Wisconsin
Cuz Iím frozen to the ground!
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 11:38 am Reply with quote Back to top

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Very Happy
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Fri Jan 17, 2014 11:21 am Reply with quote Back to top

At the UW, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Madison until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________
Shocked
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 12:43 pm Reply with quote Back to top

MURPHY'S 15 OTHER LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong, and a tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently-talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, none of whom were smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Very Happy
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 10:17 am Reply with quote Back to top

"Lexophile" is a term used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end. Laughing
 
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bartrod
WGA Member



Joined: 2008-03-12
Posts: 1110
Location: Oconto, WI-The birthplace of western civilization

PostPosted: Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:53 am Reply with quote Back to top

Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they
could do some surveying.
Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.

The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you
were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead
of by letter."

Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"

The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work here, we discovered your
farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!"

Ole looked at Lena and said, "That's the best news I have heard in a
long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don't think I can take
another winter in Minnesota." Very Happy
 
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