Humor

[lone_gunman]

Lieutenant: Why did you shoot that man in the back 6 times?
Sargent: Because the gun doesn’t hold 7 shells, sir

Lieutenant: Why are you running away, soldier?
Private: Because I can’t fly, sir

[Todd300]

What do you call a woman with PMS and a GPS?

A bitch that will find you.

[bartrod]

I met a fairy today that granted me one wish. “I want to live forever, ” I said.

“Sorry” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”

“Fine” I said, “I want to die after the Vikings win the Super Bowl!”

“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[Todd300]

A man finds a lamp with a genie in it. The genie grants the man 3 wishes.

“I would like a million dollars,” said the man.

The genie waves his hand and poof, a stack of hundred dollar bills appears in front of the man.

“I would like a nice flashy car to drive in..perhaps an Aston Martin,” said the man.

The genie waves his hand and poofs, an Aston Martin car appears in front of the man.

“I would like to have world peace,” said the man.

“I think that wish is too difficult for me. Can you request a different one?” said the genie.

“Ok, ” said the man. “I would like Brett Favre to STAY retired.”

The genie thinks for a minute.

“Let’s go back to that world peace thing. I think I can manage that,” said the genie.

[Vegas Gamblers]

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
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Walk him and pitch to the Hippo.

[Todd300]

I actually LOL’ed at that, VG. Good one.

[bartrod]

Why Sharks Circle
You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.

“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.

“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[Hotdogs_Off_Trail]

This is an article that I really enjoyed

Things I’ve Learned

I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”…..Age 6

I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk…..Age 7

I’ve learned that when I wave to peoplein the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back…..Age 9

I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up…..Age 13

I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up…..Age 14

I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me…..Age 15

I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice…..Age 24

I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures…..Age 26

I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there…..Age 29

I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that noone will believe it…..Age 39

I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it…..Age 41

I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little card…..Age 44

I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others…..Age 46

I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies…..Age 47

I’ve learned that singing “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours…..Age 49

I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone…..Age 50

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost baggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights…..Age 51

I’ve learned that keeping a vegtable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills…..Age 52

I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die…..Age 53

I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life…..Age 58

I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage…..Age 61

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance…..Age 62

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back…..Age 64

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, hapiness will find you…..Age 65

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision……Age 66

I’ve learned that everyone can use a prayer…..Age 72

I’ve learned that it pays to believe in miracles, and to tell the truth, I’ve seen several……Age 73

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one…..Age 82

I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch – holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back…..Age 85

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn…..Age 92

“Live and Learn and Pass It On” written and compiled by H. Jackson Brown Jr., published by Rutledge Hill Press of Nashville, Tenn.

[bartrod]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, ‘Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!’ And that’s when the fight started…..

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[CodeJunkie]

Not a “joke” exactly, but definately humorous.
Why you shouldn’t wear sandals when you’ve been drinking

[Braid Beards Gang]

There is a man riding on the back of a zebra, he looks to his right and sees a little boy riding on the back of the giraffe running next to him. He looks behind them and sees that a lion is chasing them. He asks the boy what should we do?

The boys mother tells him to get his drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round.

[lone_gunman]

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and “active low” signals didn’t yet exist.)

On the second day, God’s boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn’t. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried “Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!” And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that “new and improved” wouldn’t do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with ‘add’ and ‘logical shift’ instructions. And the original bit discovered that — by performing a single shift instruction — it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said “Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply.” And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn’t worked right since.

[RSplash40]

@lone_gunman wrote:

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn’t worked right since.

AMEN!!!!

[CodeJunkie]

I think you meant to say if it weren’t for that one bad “Apple” incident, life would be perfect today. 😆

[Decrepit]

Where did the little king keep his armies?
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Up his sleevies.

[Author]

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