This topic contains 437 replies, has 58 voices, and was last updated by 
bartrod 10 years, 4 months ago.
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@codejunkie wrote:
I think you meant to say if it weren’t for that one bad “Apple” incident, life would be perfect today. 😆
Even God can’t afford an Apple. 😀
@decrepit wrote:
Where did the little king keep his armies?
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Up his sleevies.I see somebody has been playing the Impossible Quiz 2 🙂
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Jesus saves.”
A young man just started a job with the German Coast Guard. On his first day, his boss showed him around the control room, sat him in front of the dispatch radio, patted him on the back and left him. Shortly after, a call from a ship at sea came across the radio.
“Mayday Mayday!”
The new guard, a little unsure of what to do, replied, “Zis is zee German Coastguard, go ahead.”
“Mayday! Mayday! We’re sinking! We’re sinking!”
The guard thought for a moment, then replied, “Vhat are you sinking about?”
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories–those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye!
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
An oldie…
A guy goes to the hospital to have a leg amputated.
When he awakens after surgery, the doctor proclaims, ” I have good news and bad news.”
“Give me the bad news, Doc”, the patient says.
“Well, we cut off the wrong leg.”
“Oh my God”, the patient cries, “What’s the good news?”
“Your other leg is getting better!” 😯The Evolution of Treatments
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Hedgehogs. Why don’t they just share the hedge?
A patient asking the doctor for his recommendations:
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you
get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways –
Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’
A hooded armed robber bursts into a Bank in Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. “Dida anyone elsa see a my face?” calls the robber.
There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
“I tinka maybe my wifa caughta glimpse.”
@sweetlife wrote:
A hooded armed robber bursts into a Bank in Italy…
… one brave Italian customer grabs the hood …. “Dida anyone elsa see a my face?” …. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: “I tinka maybe my wifa caughta glimpse.”Doesn’t seem offensive, but I’m confused? Why do they have to be Italian?
The  real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this — you cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.
A man recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said he was doing ‘fairly well’ for his age. (he just turned 57..)
A little concerned about that comment, he couldn’t resist asking the doctor, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’ He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’
‘Oh no,’ the man replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs either!’
Then the doctor asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” he said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ he said.
the doctor asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars?’
‘No,’ the man said.
He looked at the man and said,… ‘Then, why do you even care?
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the
sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind cop…”
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said,
“I’m afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”“Oh, Dear God,” cried his wife,
Her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.“We’ve never had a Democrat in the family before!”
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