Humor

[Jstajlr]

Found this on Failblog.org and thought it was kind of humorous. I could use a few signs like this following my Nuvi.

[jerrys dad]

BOB & THE BLONDE:

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you thnk he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Bob took the money.

[jerrys dad]

[bartrod]

This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.

An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It

says, ” I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”

He scribbles back, ” Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
😮

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[apples]

Two friends are out hunting when one keels over, apparently dead. The other rushes over to him and calls 911. “You have to help me! My friend just collapsed; I think he’s dead.”

“Calm down, sir,” said the operator. “We’ll get you through this. First, we need to make sure he’s actually dead.”

“Hang on,”

BLAM BLAM

“Okay, he’s *definitely* dead. Now what?”

[jerrys dad]

[jerrys dad]

[RSplash40]

For those of you into scanners/scanning, found this on a website:

I heard this once during rush hour on Baltimore city citywide channel.

Unit: Unit x to citywide, have all units responding too calls, to stay clear of I-83. It’s backed up pretty bad.
Dispatcher: Oh I know I’m looking out the window now. Looks like a pretty big mess.
Unit: Can you see me waving. I’m the car with the blue lights on top

[bartrod]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, ‘Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?’

He says, ‘Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.’

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, ‘That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, ‘It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!’ As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

‘Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,’ he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, ‘That’ll be $34.50 please.’

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ‘Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?’

He replies, ‘Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.’ 😆

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[jerrys dad]

My father in law sent this to me. He has his wife and six daughters. He says he’s suffered through them all!

[RSplash40]

Call ticket that came in, I’m sure its annoying but when you read it on the logs it sounds really funny.

“The space bar on my new laptop squeaks. Is that something that can be remedied? “

[jerrys dad]

An atheist was walking
through the woods.

‘What majestic
trees’!

‘What powerful rivers’!

‘What beautiful animals’!

He said to himself.

As he was
walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He
saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the
path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his
shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled
over to pick himself up but saw that the bear
was right on top of him, reaching for him with
his left paw & raising his right paw to
strike him.

At that instant the
Atheist cried out, ‘Oh my God!’

Time Stopped.

The bear
froze.

The forest was
silent.

As a bright light shone upon
the man, a voice came out of the sky. ‘You
deny my existence for all these years, teach
others I don’t exist and even credit creation to
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you
out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer’?

The atheist looked
directly into the light, ‘It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat
me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could
make the BEAR a Christian’?

‘Very
Well,’ said the voice.

The light
went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And
the bear dropped his right paw , brought both
paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

‘Lord bless
this food, which I am about to receive from thy
bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’

[peach107]

There are two types of people in the world. Those with short attention spans and those with ……….. hey there’s something shiny over there!

[jerrys dad]

Norwegian Fire Fighters;
One dark night outside a small town near Everett , Washington ;
a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
“All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved.
I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000
to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight…
It was the nearby Norwegian rural township, volunteer fire company from Stanwood , Washington ;
composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000;
and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief,
“What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief,
“Da first thing ve’s gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”

[peach107]

1. I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me …
2. Sometimes I Wonder “Why is that Frisbee Getting Bigger?” and Then It Hits Me

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