This topic contains 437 replies, has 58 voices, and was last updated by 
bartrod 10 years, 5 months ago.
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@peach107 wrote:
1. I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me …
2. Sometimes I Wonder “Why is that Frisbee Getting Bigger?” and Then It Hits MeLittle steven wright this morning?
I used spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone.
Things that come once a year…
1) Thanksgiving
2) Christmas
3) Halloween
4) A victory by the Detroit Lions
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
‘I thought I told you to call your mom!’ she said. ‘I did,’ he said, ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’
It is a slow day in a small town in Wisconsin and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.
The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.No one produced anything. No one earned anything… However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a “stimulus package” works.
JD
BRAVO!!!
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing bottom sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?”
“Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me’n the Ol’ Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do ‘something sexy to a tractor’.”
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,”
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
>
>Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
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>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
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>S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
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>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
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>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
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>P: Something loose in cockpit
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>S: Something tightened in cockpit
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>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
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>S: Live bugs on back-order.
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>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
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>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
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>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
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>S: Evidence removed.
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>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
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>S: DME volume set to more believable level.
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>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
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>S: That’s what friction locks are for.
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>P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
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>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
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>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
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>S: Suspect you’re right.
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>P: Number 3 engine missing.
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>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
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>P: Aircraft handles funny.
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>S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
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>P: Target radar hums.
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>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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>P: Mouse in cockpit.
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>S: Cat installed.
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>And the best one for last……………..
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>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
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>S: Took hammer away from midget.
>Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table,
At which he’s fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid…
Put these words
Upon his tomb,
Taxes drove me
to my doom…’
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax..When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a very many people know this.
Ole’s car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Ole.
‘Didn’t you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine, ?’ asked the lawyer. Ole responded, ‘Vell, I’ll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da …..’ ‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?
Ole said, ‘Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road… .. The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the lawyer, ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie’.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn’t vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her.. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right ‘tween da eyes. Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Now vat da hell vould YOU say?’
😆Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
During a recent company IT audit, it was found that a BLONDE was using the following password:
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyPhoenix” …
…
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.Bar Stool Economics
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100 and If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.)So, that’s what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.” so drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected…They would still drink for free…But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’…They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33…But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer..So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).Each of the six was better off than before…And the first four continued to drink for free…But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a dollar out of the $20,”declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,” but he got $10!” “Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!” “That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!” “Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, PhD.D.
Professor of Economics
University of GeorgiaFor those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possibleEngineering Handbook of Phrases
1. Major technological breakthrough (Back to the drawing board)
2. Developed after years of intensive research (It was discovered by accident)
3. Project slightly behind original due to unforeseen difficulties (We’re working on something else)
4. The designs are well within allowable limits (We made it stretching a point or two)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured (We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us)
6. Close project coordination (We should have asked someone else; or let’s spread the responsibility for this)
7. The design will be finalized in the next reporting period (We haven’t started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something)
8. A number of different approaches are being tried (We don’t know where we’re going, but we’re moving)
9. Test results are extremely gratifying (It works and we’re all surprised)
10. Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem (We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for awhile)
11. Preliminary operational testing was inconclusive (The damn thing blew up when we plugged it in)
12. The entire concept will have to be abandoned (The only guy who understood the thing quit)
13. Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties (We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch)There is a new sequel coming out in the Fast and the Furious movies, they are going to change things up a little this time and have retitled it:
Fast and the Frugal
Gone are the cool nissans and honda’s they are all going to be driving Toyota Prius’ instead.
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