This topic contains 437 replies, has 58 voices, and was last updated by 
bartrod 10 years, 5 months ago.
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“The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine.”
– Abraham Lincoln
I was so depressed last night thinking about the
economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security,
retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told
them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and
asked if I could drive a truck?$5.37! That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68” he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. Senior citizen? I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child!
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, he?” I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
“Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”
All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home. 😀
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
Rod, the next time we go caching together, wanna stop at Taco Bell?
Are you looking for some cheap entertainment, Barry? 8)
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
@bartrod wrote:
I stood there stupefied. Senior citizen? I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child!
lGrand Portage Lodge and Casino considers you a Senior at 50 years of age!!!! We are both 52 and kind of chuckle to get all the “senior” discounts at the casino. Well, it’s nine O’Clock at night, time to put the false teeth in the glass of cleaner and head to bed 😉
@bartrod wrote:
I stood there stupefied. Senior citizen? I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child!
lThat happened to me at the greenbay rv show…and I’m no where either of those numbers.
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back
in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.All of a sudden, POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, ‘I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took
me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you
won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life… better
still,
you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life…. As a
matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything for the rest of
your
life!!!’ Then POOF!… she was gone!After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, ‘Fred,
where are you?’Fred yells back, ‘I’m over here in the pussy willows.’
Dave shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
DON’T SWING!!!’An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. ‘
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’Some old men can still think fast. 😀
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
Irish golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball
beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.
“Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.
‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.
‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’
‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer
answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything,
I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’
And the golfer walks off.‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I’ll give him
the three things I would want… a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
‘ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye,
how’s yer golf game?’
‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers.
I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’
He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re
all right.’
‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money
situation?’
‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states.
‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’
‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’
C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun,
‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?’
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’
‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock.
‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish.’
😀Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water
for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later
they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray
when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly
you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary
and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact,
nothing is wrong with it. It is highly unusual though. Study it
and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if
you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any
coaching!Okay, RSplash…I think I know 2 of them…still thinking about the others. 😀
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh …………
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.” 😆I’m not sure why I’m posting all this elderly humor lately. It seems like that’s all I’ve been getting from my friends…are they trying to tell me something 😯
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
@bartrod wrote:
Okay, RSplash…I think I know 2 of them…still thinking about the others. 😀
I hope its #3, i forgot that one :>
I think I got all five. Should I answer here or wait till later……..
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