This topic contains 437 replies, has 58 voices, and was last updated by 
bartrod 10 years, 3 months ago.
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Okay, with Easter just around the corner.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/photo/gallery/070402/GAL-07Apr02-69859/index.html
You either love them or hate them. My wife loves them, I can’t stand them.
Just in time for Summer:
The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.The mature woman has a choice; she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney’s Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands.What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added
bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would
be protected from shark attacks; any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror: my boobs had disappeared!Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full view assessment.The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, ‘Oh, there
you are,’ she said, admiring the bathing suit.I replied that I wasn’t so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serving ring.I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane, pregnant with triplets and having
a rough day.I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.Finally, I found a suit that fitted …a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured.When I got it home, I found a label that read: ‘Material might become
transparent in water’.So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I’m there too, I’ll be the one in cut-off jeans and a
T-shirt!You’d better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life
isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
With or without a bathing suit.………………………………………….
A day without sunshine is like… well…, night.
My wife was heading out to buy a swimsuit. At the door, she turned and asked, “Should I get a 2 piece or all-in-one?”
I answered, “Get a 2 piece, cuz I don’t think you can get it all-in-one!” 😳(ouch, that hurt) 😕
Why didn’t the Brewers drink beer at the end of the double hitter?
They lost the opener!
From NCIS Los Angeles
Callen: So we are looking for a nano? That explains it. Kensi, Sam, and I thought it was a matchstick container that we were looking for. No wonder we could not find it.
Hooo boy… dave..jim…wow… 🙂
I’ve missed this, Todd300! Thanks!
Did you hear the news at the candy store?????
Two suckers got licked.
This one still gives me a laugh even after several times that I hear it.
Wendy had just gotten out of the shower and only wrapped a towel around herself when the doorbell rang. Knowing her husband Bill was on a teleconference in his office, she went to answer the door and a man was standing outside.
“Hello. My name is Jack. Is Bill here?” said the man.
“Yes, but he’s on a long distance teleconference. He won’t be done for a while,” said Wendy.
Jack looks at Wendy wrapped in only a towel.
“Tell you what. I’ll give you $200 if you give me a quick flash,” said Jack.
Wendy thinks for a minutes. She could use the money. So she opens the towel and flashes Jack.
“Nice. I’ll give you another $200 if you let me grab your breasts,” said Jack.
Wendy thinks a minute, then lets Jack cop a feel of her breasts. Jack then gives her the money and leaves.
Bill then comes into the room.
“Who was that, honey?” Bill asked Wendy.
“Um, just some Jehovah’s Witnesses,” Wendy lied.
“Well, let me know if my buddy Jack stops by,” said Bill. “He was gonna pay me the $400 that he owes me.”
Nah
Nah
FishThey say marriage is like playing cards. At first all you need is 2 hearts and one diamond. Years down the road you will be wishing for a club and a spade.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
😆Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
What do you call a crabby string player who can’t hit the right note?
wait for it…
a little pitchy…
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