This topic contains 437 replies, has 58 voices, and was last updated by 
bartrod 10 years, 3 months ago.
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1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning.”2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC ..
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
“Stop acting like your father!”15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”17.. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it when you get home!”18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !”Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list ~~ My personal all time favorite!!My mother taught me about CHOICE.
“Do you want me to stop this car?” :bartrod:Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
Never answer with “Yes” to that final statement.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,’I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!’
‘IMPOSSIBLE !’ said the groom broom.
‘WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!’ 😆:bartrod:
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph , enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph , then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper. 😆Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
Important Lesson!!!
Mark was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.Mark took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” Mark asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on deer corn to hunt deer instead of food?” Mark asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t hunted in 20 years!”
“Well,” said Mark, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that??? “
Mark replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting!”
So santa’s sleigh broke down on the side of the road a few years back. In a panic he started flagging down cars but no one stopped for a long time probably thinking he was some creepy guy.
Finally someone stopped, and santa said “can you help me, my sleigh is broken and I’ve got presents to deliver”.
Driver: well I’m not a mechanic I’m a podiatrist. Santa: a what??
Driver: A podiatrist – a foot doctor.
Santa: Perfect!! Can you give me a tow? (toe)Mr Claus: “What is the weather suppose to be like?”
Mrs. Claus: “Looks like rein deer.”
My favorite Santa joke comes from aviation. It turns out that the FAA finally caught up with the jolly elf, and required him to take a proper check ride. The FAA examiner duly arrived at the north pole, and was climbing into the sleigh when Santa noticed he had a shotgun with him. Santa asked what it was for. The reply? “Well, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but you’re going to lose an engine on takeoff.”
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’
The first one fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.
‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.The second one reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’
Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.The third gentleman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’
He replied, ‘These are Carols. :bartrod:Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:
At a high school in Wisconsin , a group of male students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are…..
Sven and Ole, two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by asks what they were doing.
“Ve’re supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, “said Sven, “but ve don’t haff a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t dat just like a voman! Ve ask ferda height and she gives us da length!”
Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate. 😆Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
The wonderful world of statistics:
1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed. All polar bears are left-handed. Therefore, if your car is stolen there is a ten percent chance it was a polar bear.
2. All dogs are animals. All cats are animals. Therefore, all dogs are cats.
3. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second. 10 babies are conceived around the world every second. Therefore, every time you open a can you have a 1 in 400 chance of getting pregnant.
Cop: “Excuse me sir, would you mind getting out of your train of thought?”
Guy: “Huh? What?”
Cop: “Where’s the big idea sir?”
Guy: “Oh, I’m sorry officer, I don’t understand, I was thinking.”
Cop: “Yeah, your mind was wandering all over the place. May I see your degree please?”
Guy: “Sure, here.”
Cop: “Take it out of the frame.”
Guy: “Sorry. It’s a community college learner’s permit.”
Cop: “You need a BA to drive this idea home!”
Guy: “Oh, I… I must have been lateral thinking, and not realised it.”
Cop: “Uh huh.”
Guy: “See, I had to think fast to get around that mental block back there, and I didn’t notice the limits.”
Cop: “This degree has expired! I ought to throw the encyclopedia at you.”
Guy: “Why? Is this a controlled thought zone?”
Cop: “Yes, it is, sir. See the sign?”
Guy: “School…
“I guess I was letting my thoughts wander all over the avenue of consideration.”Cop: “Uh huh, you almost collided with established dogma back at those presumptions.”
Guy: “I wasn’t thinking straight!”
Cop: “I see. Have you been drinking, sir?”
Guy: “A couple of beers, but I’m not illogical!”
Cop: “Well, I should stop your thought process right now, but I’m going to give you a ticket for quick thinking.”
Guy: “That’s three points off my IQ!!!”
Cop: “And the fine is a penny for your thoughts.”
Guy: “I’ll get back into the flow of normal thought, officer.”
Cop: “Uh huh, you go straight to your inevitable conclusion: it’s foregone, you can’t miss it.”
Guy: “Yes.”
Cop: “You understand?”
Guy: “Yes. Thank you very much officer.”
Cop: “Okay, off with you…
“Kids! Too damn smart for their own good!”So there is an Amber Alert in Green Bay. The Green Bay Packers defense appears to be missing. The alleged suspect was described as wearing a gold helmet, a red shirt and gold pants along with several tattoos on both arms. If anyone has seen this suspect or the Packers defense, please notify the local authorities immediately.
Why don’t you ever see the
Headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that Doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
Why is lemon juice made With artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who Invests all your money called a broker?
Why isn’t there Mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah Swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the Needle for lethal injections?
You know that Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep Shrink when it rains?
If con is the opposite of
Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?If flying is so
Safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
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