This topic contains 437 replies, has 58 voices, and was last updated by 
bartrod 10 years, 3 months ago.
-
Posts
-
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.
“The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible, that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”Dad’s reply:
“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”
😆Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
Pun’ography
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. 😆
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
:bartrod:Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”
“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
Disclaimer : Always answering to a higher power.
Subject: Planning For Retirement
Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 pound sterling for cars ($1.40), and 5 quid for buses (about $7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ……. and no one even knows his name.
:bartrod:Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the tit and pulls…the cow farts. Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.
He gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor Sven, and says, ‘Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought.’
‘Pull her tit, and see vat happens.’ Sven reaches under, pulls the tits – and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole, ‘You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn’t yah?’
Ole is surprised since he hadn’t told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, ‘Yah, dats right. But how’d yah know?’
Sven says, ‘My wife’s from Nordakota.’
LOL…I had to send that one to some Norwegian friends of mine in Appleton. Thanks B and V 😆
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
Some interesting items…….
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead…I’ll wait…
Donkeys kill more people annually Than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive From each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)(That women are going the ‘right’ direction…?)
Apples, not caffeine, Are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN !
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first’ Marlboro Man’.
Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Cocoa Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…But, not downstairs.
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, And no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
And the best for last….
Turtles can breathe through their butts.(I know some people like that, don’t YOU ?)
So…………………..Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on……and go move your toothbrush !!!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day everyone:
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’
I became confused when I heard the word “Service” used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
U.S. Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
State, City, County & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘Service’ a few cows.
BAM !!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need.
Not all this “How did you get in my house?” business.
A Norwegian and a German entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the German stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the German said to the Norwegian,
“Man I’m the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can’t beat that.”
The Norwegian replied:
“You want to see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you
real stealing.”So they went to the counter and the Norwegian said to the shopkeeper, “Do you want to see magic?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Yes.”
The Norwegian said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.
The Norwegian asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked: “But where’s the magic?”
The Norwegian replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find all three bars of chocolate.” 😆
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
Idea! Gin-scented car air fresheners. Get pulled over by a cop
and blame it on your cardboard pine tree. 8)Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.