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bartrod 10 years, 3 months ago.
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California
When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says
Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess
that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. …..Now give me back my dog. 😆Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
‘One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,’ said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.’
The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’ When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard , ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’
The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.’
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.’
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
New Standard Operating Procedures released today. Please learn.
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert .
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
It all depends on how you look at some things…
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern
California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree.
She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid’s great-great uncle,
Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery
in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common
ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the
gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:
‘Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885,
escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times.
Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.’So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information
about their great-great uncle.
Believe it or not, Harry Reid’s staff sent back the following
biographical sketch for her genealogy research:“Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory ..
His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable
equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government
service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the
renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function
held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing
collapsed.”NOW THAT’s how it’s done, Folks! That’s real POLITICAL SPIN 😀
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
Here’s a solution to all the controversy over full-body
scanners at the airports.Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray
you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you!It would be a win-win for everyone – there would be none of
this crap about racial profiling and would eliminate a long and expensive
trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!This is so simple that it’s brilliant. I can see it now:
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
“Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight
number…”I love that idea. Mind if I repost it to another site?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.@koolma_k wrote:
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
“Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight
number…”That is too funny, but true!
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must be single.’
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, ‘Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?’
The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.This is what happens when everyone is trying to get that FTF at that new guardrail cache.
In honor of Tax month…
Dear Internal Revenue Service
Enclosed you will find my 2009 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5″ Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5″ Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh bake
bread & cookies.I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.
(sorry, suffering from a little insomnia…thought you might like the jokes 🙂
WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.WOMEN’S REVENGE
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINARWhile attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
“It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
He addressed the man,
“Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONSA man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ……….. so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBANDA couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
WORDSA husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
CREATIONA man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
“The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHATA man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says “HEBREWS”
The Silent TreatmentA man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Fart Football….
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes
gas and says, “Seven Points.”His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie
score.”After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha.
I’m ahead 14 to 7″Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown,
tie score.”Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and
accidentally poops in the bed.The wife says, “What the heck was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides
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