This topic contains 437 replies, has 58 voices, and was last updated by 
bartrod 10 years, 3 months ago.
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Dear IRS,
I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove me from your mailing list.Will
@koolma_k wrote:
Fart Football….
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes
gas and says, “Seven Points.”His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie
score.”After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha.
I’m ahead 14 to 7″Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown,
tie score.”Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and
accidentally poops in the bed.The wife says, “What the heck was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides
LMAO. That’s Fk’n hilarious!!!
😉 😆 I have a ton of them 🙂
MY LIVING WILL:
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them , ‘I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug .’
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are SO on my @#*% list …
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The
motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s
ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in
the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the ‘violator’ for his signature. The guy
signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy
points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember
that you’re an asshole!”
Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has such a bad
driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer
to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man
run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
“Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir?
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for asshole?”
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!”
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WAL-MART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
@sammyclaws wrote:
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WAL-MART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
…oh geesh…..lol
A driver ran through a stop sign and got stopped by a cop.
The cop said he was gonna give him a ticket for running the stop sign.
The man tried to explain that he did slow down when he went through the stop sign. The cop said he still is gonna give the man a ticket. The man protested that he slowed down. So the cop took out his nightstick and started bopping the man on the head several times as he said “Do you want me to stop or should I just slow down?”
@todd300 wrote:
A driver ran through a stop sign and got stopped by a cop.
The cop said he was gonna give him a ticket for running the stop sign.
The man tried to explain that he did slow down when he went through the stop sign. The cop said he still is gonna give the man a ticket. The man protested that he slowed down. So the cop took out his nightstick and started bopping the man on the head several times as he said “Do you want me to stop or should I just slow down?”
Amen!
Disclaimer : Always answering to a higher power.
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that
my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
over with a heart attack and died.1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both
still be alive.A fellow bought a new sports car and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The road was clear and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch this car!!,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100….
Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of SaskatchewanAfter spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning John’s grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,‘Are these plates clean?’
His grandfather replied,
‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’
Without looking up the old man said,
‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you
fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog
started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.John yelled and said,
‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’
Disclaimer : Always answering to a higher power.
Top 10 Ways to know if you are using a Redneck’s Computer…
10. The monitor is up on little blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have toebacky stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to four.
5. Every password is “Bubba.”
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the side of the computer.
3. There’s a Skoal can used for your beverage coaster.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer
is…
1. The mouse is referred to as the “critter.”Redneck Flatscreen
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