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bartrod 10 years, 3 months ago.
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.
St. Peter says, ‘I don’t know.This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,’ and he leaves.The couple sits, and waits, and waits.Two months pass and the couple are still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
‘What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered.’Are we stuck together forever?’
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ say the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ ask the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’ St. Peter shouts,’It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?’
[:D]Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
Love that one, Bartrod.
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’
The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’
God replied, ‘Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.I’m only sending this to my ‘old’ friends.
I love to see you smile.
Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
AN INTERESTING SLANT ON RETIREMENT
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted
by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person. He’s often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired’? “Well,” he says, “I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.”
Harold should be an inspiration to all of us 😀Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
The innocence of children…
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a new starter handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .’3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’ ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’9) DEATH
While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral !)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, “Does this taste funny?”
Two birds are on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, “Do you smell fish?”
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, “You know how to drive this thing?”
Two antennas meet, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was nothing special, but the reception was great!
The large firecracker said to the small firecracker “My pop is bigger than your pop.”
A small grandson got lost at the shopping mall……….
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
“I’ve lost my grandpa!”
The guard asked, “What’s his name?”
“Grandpa”The guard smiled, then asked, “What’s he like?”
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
“Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits.”
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair
cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your grades
up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m
disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.
The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.’
To this his father replied, ‘Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?’I find the DNR’s advice on bears suspect at best, as at no point does it cover pick-a-nick baskets…
Did you ever wonder what snowmen do in summer?
You didn’t know that did you?
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