This topic contains 437 replies, has 58 voices, and was last updated by 
bartrod 10 years, 3 months ago.
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Thanks for showing us that, jerrys dad… 🙄 🙄 🙄
And that’s why you can get those cones for 49 cents at Mickey D’s.
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He’s sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice – “Jesus is watching you!” He jumps, turns around, but he doesn’t see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. “Jesus is watching you!” He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, “Did you say that?” The parrot answers “Yes I did.” So the burglar asks, “What’s your name?” The parrot says “Clarence.” The burglar says “What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?” The parrot laughs and says, “The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler ‘Jesus’
41 Questions That Make You Think
1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?
4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it’s nose?
5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller
machines?6. How did a fool and his money get together?
7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
9. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
10. What’s another word for thesaurus?
11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
17. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste
funny?18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?
19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
special olympics?22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
29. Is it possible to be totally partial?
30. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
lights off?32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
35. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
39. Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
40. Why do people sing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” when they’re
already there?41. Why do people say “tuna fish?” They don’t say “beef mammal” or
“chicken bird!”Al and Mark, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Al didn’t show up. Mark didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Al hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Mark really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Mark didn’t know where Al lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Mark figured he had seen the last of Al, but one day, Mark approached the park and — lo and behold! — there sat Al! Mark was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Al, what in the world happened to you?’
Al replied, ‘I have been in jail.’
‘Jail?’ cried Mark. ‘What in the world for?’‘Well,’ Al said, ‘you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?’
‘Yeah,’ said Mark, ‘I remember her. What about her?’
‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’‘The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’ 😀
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
I was doing a cemetary cache the other day and I am walking through and I see this guy crouching down at a tombstone, I pass and say “Morning” and he says, “Nope, just taking a crap”.
So Gary Coleman passed away the other day. He had a very short life.
I hear he died of an aneurysm, which is kind of like a stroke, only different.
And unlike other people, he’ll be buried 3 feet under instead of 6 feet.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”
“Thank you for taking all of us with you .
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place……
…..The grass is almost a foot high.”
Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.’
Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’
The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’
The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don’t mess with them.WHY PARENTS DRINK
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion… Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house..
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you.Call me when it’s safe to come home.
Subject: Teacher With No Sense Of Humor
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried
chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.I told her, “Colonel Sanders”.
Guess where I am now…
UPDATE ON MY SURGERY:
Dear Geocaching Family and Friends,
Most of you did not know I went in for a small surgical procedure for a butt lift. I did not have the most pleasant of experiences. I wanted to show you how it turned out. Please, refrain from getting this procedure.
You will regret it!
Much Love,
Please see my photo below……
OMG!!!!!!!!!
(most people over 30yrs old, over a C cup, or more than 50#s over weight REALLY should not wear tube tops!!!!)
^^^ just so no one gets upset… I am all three of those!!! oh, and I don’t wear tube tops and haven’t since I hit puberty!! lolI have got to send this one to my Mom!!! 🙂
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried
chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.I told her, “Colonel Sanders”.
Guess where I am now…
Q: What is the procedure called when you get your appendix removed?
A: An appendectomy
Q: What is the procedure called when you get your tonsils removed?
A: A Tonsillectomy
Q: What is the procedure called when you get a growth on your head removed?
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A: A haircut!At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you Understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’ The little boy nodded in the affirmative. ‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win Or lose together as a team?’ The little boy nodded yes..
‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an Out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, Or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?’ Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsman- ship to call your coach ‘a dumb asshole’ is it?’ Again the little boy nodded.
Good,’ said the coach.
‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.
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