This topic contains 437 replies, has 58 voices, and was last updated by 
bartrod 10 years, 3 months ago.
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Posts
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GED TEST…
The following questions were set in GED examinations
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………and they WILL breed.Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegarQ. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeistsQ. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspireQ. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon.All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fightQ. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowedQ. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an electionQ. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinentalQ. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature deathQ. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cowQ. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..
(OOOO my Gosh)Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lieQ. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. NearbyQ. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in RomeQ. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellasQ. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
(OMG)Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his headScary, isn’t it???
Now I’m sitting here crying for laughing so hard.
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.“My son,” said one proudly, “has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift.”The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
“He’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift.”The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased how my son has turned
out,” he replies. “For fifteen years, he’s been a hairdresser,
and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gayAs the other three recoil in horror, he continues, “but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio.”“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand
up?” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one
freshman rose to his feet.“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?”
inquired the teacher with a sneer.“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see
you standing up there all by yourself.”An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us, we”re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful Country … the history,the beer, the culture…”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers & Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh, Jim? And we can’t stand the English; they’re so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive. 😀Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
> One day my housework-challenged husband decided
>
> to wash his Sweatshirt..
>
> Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
>
> he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the
> washing machine?’
>
> ‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
>
> He yelled back, ‘ OHIO STATE ! ‘
>
> And they say
> blondes are dumb….
>
>
>
> A couple is lying
> in bed. The man says,
>
> ‘I am going to make
> you the happiest woman in the world…’
>
> The woman replies,
> ‘I’ll miss you…….
>
>
>
> ‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’
> Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the
> neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
>
> ‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
>
>
>
> Q: What do you
> call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
>
> A: A rumor
>
>
>
> Q: Why do little boys whine?
>
> A: They are practicing to be
> men.
>
>
>
> Q: What do you
> call a handcuffed man?
>
> A: Trustworthy..
>
>
>
> Q: What does it
> mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
>
> A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
>
>
>
> Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
>
> A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
>
>
>
> Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
>
> A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
>
>
Gasp 😯
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
The welfare babies grow up:
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing ‘father’s details;’ or putting it another way…. Who’s yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms!
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Willie McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted… If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don’t kn ow the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced. That would be the daddy.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I think that my son’s conception was ejaculate stuff on a tawl and that he is an axident.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Al leshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cat aclysmic implications for his wife. I am torn between doing right by you and right by him.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Lairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also bored at the same time…. Well, I don’t have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; it really was in the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave. , mine might have remained unfertilized.
And my personal favorite. . .
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart. 😀
Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)
@bartrod wrote:
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I think that my son’s conception was ejaculate stuff on a tawl and that he is an axident.
Gotta love that one!
How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb”…another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”.
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant’s ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their “acceptable use policy”.
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s.
3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”.
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the “Me too’s” to say “Me three”.
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a “FAQ”.
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
143 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again….
Flight Attendant of the Week: The dude on the Continental ExpressJet flight from Houston to Kansas City Friday night got on the PA and, in the midst of giving his spiel on safety and other things, said: “As soon as the ground crew finishes ripping the handles off your bag and tearing them to bits, we’ll be on our way to Kansas City.’
Quote from Peter King’s MMQB column..
One day, a long, long time ago. there was a woman who didn’t whine, cry or nag.
But that was a long, long time ago…
…and it was only one day.
(I know, ladies. Linda didn’t laugh either. 😯 )
HER DIARY / HIS DIARY
HER DIARY:
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar
to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought
he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk. He agreed but he kept very quiet. I asked him what was wrong;
he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I
love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed.. About 10 minutes later he came to bed,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still
felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.HIS DIARY:
Today the Packers lost, but at least I got laid.
I don’t even like the packers, but that is funny
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