[bartrod]

That’s an awful lot of fun…congratulations 😀

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

Maybe some of the Republican Senators could help…they apparently don’t have a lot to do right now. And they could set a standard as “leaders” in easing the budget crunch 😈

By the way, I haven’t seen anything in the media…will the Governor’s budget proposal effect the benefits and salaries of the Governor himself, the Senate and the Assembly??? They are, after all, public employees 🙄

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

The Darwin’s are out!!!! These are all true episodes taken from various news snippets over the year.
Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here’s the Honorable Mentions:

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef’s claim was approved.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
😆

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

@RSplash40 wrote:

@bartrod wrote:

Okay, RSplash…I think I know 2 of them…still thinking about the others. 😀

I hope its #3, i forgot that one :>

#3 came to me as I went to bed last night…and I wasn’t even thinking about it…I am truly weird!

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

Ha, ha! Congratulations anyway 😀

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh …………
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.” 😆

I’m not sure why I’m posting all this elderly humor lately. It seems like that’s all I’ve been getting from my friends…are they trying to tell me something 😯

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

Okay, RSplash…I think I know 2 of them…still thinking about the others. 😀

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

Irish golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball
beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.
“Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.
‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.
‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’
‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer
answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything,
I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’
And the golfer walks off.

‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I’ll give him
the three things I would want… a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
‘ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye,
how’s yer golf game?’
‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers.
I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’
He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re
all right.’
‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money
situation?’
‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states.
‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’
‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’
C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun,
‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?’
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’
‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock.
‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’

‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish.’
😀

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

Excellent story…thanks for sharing. And congratulations on the milestone 😀

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

Whoa! That snuck up awful fast…congratulations 😀

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. ‘
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’

Some old men can still think fast. 😀

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

Are you looking for some cheap entertainment, Barry? 8)

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

$5.37! That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68” he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. Senior citizen? I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child!

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, he?” I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

“Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”

All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home. 😀

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

Way to go, Sherry! 😀

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[bartrod]

Congratulations on the 6K milestone…that’s a lot of smiley’s 😀

Oconto...the birthplace of western civilization:)

[Author]

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